Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
