I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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