Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"