Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.