who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
