Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
