Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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