shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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