I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
