things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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