I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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