the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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