If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
