Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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