I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
