I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
