i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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