I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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