So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
