just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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