dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
