apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
