that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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