you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
