please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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