Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
