How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
