You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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