At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize