Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
