I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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