there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
