I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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