I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
