If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
