I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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