I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
