So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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