I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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