Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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