how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
