This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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