I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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