Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
