Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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