God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
