I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
