My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
