her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
