If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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