I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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