Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
