I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
