So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
