I faked an abortion last night.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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