Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
barbara walters just said penis...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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