i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
